Dating Doesn’t Suck, Nor Do You.

10 May

Hello and welcome back to a ‘I love to rant about things’

As someone who has been so far removed (intentionally, mind you!) from the dating scene, coming up to two years, I write this on behalf of the people out there who I know are looking for that “special someone” or perhaps someone just for the meantime until they are ready for that person.

Dating culture today is like fast fashion. It is addictive, fleeting, and it looks good until you use it once, and then it falls apart at the seams. For many, it is one date, one talking phase, one hookup after another. Sometimes it feels like fun, until it leaves you feeling emptier than you were before.

If you have thoughts like;

Why am I not enough?
Am I being ghosted?
Is there something wrong with me?

You’re not alone. I have watched some of the most vibrant, intelligent, beautiful, generous people lose themselves after many failed dates. The longer they remain single, they eventually resign to the fact that they do not deserve to be loved unless they shrink themselves into versions more palatable for people who never planned to stay.

It is honestly heartbreaking.

Modern dating apps have changed the game. But in my personal opinion, not for the better. Yes, it has made it easier to meet people, especially those with busy lives or unique interests that you’d be hard pressed to find at your local coffee shop. But these apps gamify connection, you swipe on a ranking system of curated photos, generic one-liners, and a shared love of the office. It is efficient, I guess, but is it meaningful, or reliable?

Even when the match moves outside the DM’s and onto a real date, there is this pressure to perform. You’re both sitting across from each other, with an invisible checklist.

Are they financially stable?
Do they want kids?
Are they emotionally intelligent, but also funny, charming, good with my parents and friends, etc.

Suddenly, you’re not just connecting with someone, you’re conducting an interview, or worse, an interrogation.

This does not foster a romantic connection, it creates performance. You aren’t being as authentic as you may believe. It is almost an edit of you to fit a perceived ideal and if it goes well the whole “three month rule” comes into play (which i don’t necessarily believe in) but you can’t fake authenticity for long and the real you comes out, which may not be attractive to that person. Or you don’t even meet the silent expectation on the date, and vice versa, which causes disappointment or indifference.

Here's the thing: love isn’t supposed to be controlled.

Love IS human, complex, messy, and unpredictable. It’s bumping into someone else at the wrong time, but choosing each other anyway. It is awkward silences and weird jokes. It isn’t supposed to be cool and calculated moves.

The best love stories are found when you aren’t actively trying to find them.

Situationships; what the hell are they and why do they exist??

Situationships—the greater of two evils (the other being friends with benefits). This term as I researched, has been floating around since the early 2000’s but gained real traction in 2017 from writers such as Carina Hsieh, who described the phenomenon as “hook-ups with emotional benefits.” and urban dictonary describes it as “any problematic relationship charactrised by one or more unresolved, personal conflicts, usually confused with dating”. In short, more than casual, but far less than committed, and no one knows what the hell is going on.
Some enjoy them. There's minimal structure, no labels, no pressure, no expectations. However, that freedom can quickly morph into confusion, insecurity, and emotional burnout when there are no boundaries involved, especially if one person is more invested than the other (commonly the case).

A research study found that a third of young adults reported being in romantic relations that were not purely casual or committed. That, my friends, is a lot of people in emotional limbo, hoping vague intentions might eventually lead to a solid foundation of love.

So what are the long-term consequences?

Damage to your sense of self-worth (‘Why am I not good enough to commit to?”, “why don’t they want to be with me?”, “what makes me so unlovable?”
Kill your self-confidence and body image (“Am I not beautiful enough, smart enough, look good enough?” and so forth)
It trains your nervous system to expect inconsistency and breadcrumbing, instead of stability and care
Tension in future romantic endeavors, as there can be a lack of trust, detachment, and commitment, as you are conditioned to expect fine lines and grey zones.

Watching these incredible people spiral made me feel even more grateful for the solitude found within the single life that I have chosen. I have not had dates, situationships, confusion, or hurt feelings in almost two years, and it has been divine.

When you remove the noise, you hear your voice again. Your strength and your power. You dress for yourself, not a date. You don’t need to present yourself as more feminine or charming to be palatable. Stop asking yourself “Am I lovable?” and start saying “I am and will be… and when the opportunity arises, it’ll be on my terms”. Full stop. The need for external validation disappears, and the only approval required is your own.

Being single has taught me peace, patience, and brought me healing. It almost feels radical to say that, yet it isn’t this day and age, the pressure is still being applied to women to settle down, find love, have kids before they “expire” as there is still so much worth being placed on women’s ages and relationship statuses.

Also, this should be a given, but if you are in a relationship, happily taken or have preferences for relationships outside of monogamy, this is not directed at you and is based on my personal experiences and experiences of those closest to me.

This is not an attack on online dating, I know friends who have met the person they married through these apps. I invite you to pause, reflect, and evaluate the relationships that benefit you and your growth.

Ask yourself these questions (and being honest here will be the best method)

Am I happy in the relationship I am in?
What am I hoping to feel?
What do I want from life, and how am I going to get it?
Is this person working with me? Or against me? (habits, behaviors, future goals, and aspirations)

Serial dating and situationships or symptoms of a culture that treats people as content to consume, not companions. You aren’t disposable. Your heart is not a placeholder. Love isn’t something earned by being desirable enough, and all the enoughs mentioned above.

You, my gorgeous friend, are already enough, as you are.

And if you’re in a cycle that feels more damaging than exciting, you don’t need to fix yourself. You might need to remove yourself from the equation for a little while to give yourself time to remember who you are and what YOU want.

The right connection, the deep kind, will not leave you confused. It won’t be a “situation,” it’ll be a choice; you deserve to have people be intentional with your time as you are intentional with theirs. You only get one life, so live it.

If you like this content or have your own story you’d like to share. I’d love to hear it! Fill out this form below.