A Pipeline: From People Pleaser to Professional Hater
Hello everyone. What a bloody week it’s been. Somehow, I managed to catch a cold, flu, and a chest infection all at once. (whomp whomp) My sickness may have taken away my voice, but I can still type, and you best believe I will.
Disclaimer* I am not a true hater- the title was for clickbait…
Keep reading anyway…
In between bed rotting, drowning in snotty tissues, and coughing into my hoodie (gross I know), I started thinking about this blog and where I want to take it. Writing here brings me a lot of joy, but I realised I’d started to lose motivation. Things were getting a bit too preachy and a little too polished. I wasn’t being honest about the not-so-cutesy emotions I usually scribble into my journals. Life isn’t always cupcakes and rainbows. Sometimes I can’t even follow my own advice.
So this one’s coming from the heart, but also from the slightly toxic part of my brain. Because the truth is, I used to be a massive people pleaser. Now? The only people I please are myself and those who deserve it. Now, let’s be clear, I can be quite blunt and straight forward but in a boundary-having, self-respecting, “I don’t have time for this anymore,” “you only have one life, don’t waste it” kind of way. And that’s where the idea of the People Pleaser to Professional Hater Pipeline comes from, based on my own experience.
Advice to please (you)r person
Closure (or revenge) is not as rewarding as you may think it’ll be
You don’t need to abandon yourself to capture the attention of others
Healing is ugly, social media portrays it as this aesthetically pleasing thing with skincare and sunshine, but it is gruelling and uncomfortable. (well it can be both awful and awesome)
If it costs you sleep, your appetite, or your self-respect. You’re putting yourself into emotional debt, and just like any debt, it is hard to get out of.
You can love something or someone so badly and still have the strength to walk away from it if it isn’t safe or if it simply isn’t ‘yours’ anymore.
THIS ONE I CANNOT EXPRESS ENOUGH. Saying “no” is ENOUGH. NO is a sentence within itself and does not need any elaboration.
The Kind-Hearted / Soft Era
I’ve always had a warm heart. Unfortunately, I wore it on my sleeve like a massive sign that said, “Hey! I am uncomfortable saying no. Use that to your advantage!”
I said yes too often. I showed up too much. I tolerated things I should’ve run from. Even worse, I invited those things in with open arms. And I told myself it was because I was kind, and this is just an unfortunate downside of being friendly. Wrong. I was being selfish and cruel… to myself.
The Burnout / Breaking Point
I don’t know if it was the years of disrespect, the mental exhaustion, or the emotional whiplash, but eventually, I snapped. I withdrew from absolutely everyone. Some of it happened because of conflict, but most of it was intentional. I just stopped texting. Stopped making plans. I didn’t do the whole Eat Pray Love soul searching thing. I was just… alone.
I was so bored, and scared. But that loneliness made me sit with myself for the first time (in a long time) without distraction. And that silence? Was eery.
The Silence
People talk about finding themselves on overseas trips, cruise ships, or in the jungle. I found myself in isolation.
I just needed to be left the fuck alone (excuse my langauge). I used to think I was extroverted, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised there’s nothing I love more than quiet. No fuss. No expectations. No drama.
When I was finally left to my own devices, something clicked. I didn’t miss the people. I didn’t miss the constant stomach ache. I missed myself. When everything went quiet, I could finally hear myself think. And that version of me, the real one, was ready to speak up.
The Grow-Up
So I listened. I got intentional with my time. I cut people off. I set boundaries. I unfollowed, muted, blocked, and quit anything and everything that wasn’t serving me anymore. I stopped romanticising pain. I chose peace over people.
Let me be real: I didn’t do any of that out of spite. I did it out of necessity. I became so accustomed to disrespect that I stopped seeing fault in others and internalised it and now I refuse to entertain it. Whether it’s in friendships, relationships, family, or work, if it doesn’t sit right, I don’t make space for it anymore. I am booked and busy, but with things and people who deserve it.
Here is a piece I wrote when I was going through the motions about two or more years ago now, it is raw and honest but I share it so you and I both know that it gets better, once you get better at saying enough is enough and I will accept NO less than I deserve.
I don't want my life, so I’m giving it away, I hope it finds a version of me who is braver, kinder, softer, well-spoken and full of light.I don't want my life I want consistency, I want kindness, I want laughter, comfort and most importantly trust. I am sick to my stomach worried that if I don’t do enough or I am not to their liking that I will be replaced. Replaced by who or what I don’t know but I do know that someone who is valued, loved, and supported within their circles never spends a moment fearing this problem.The likelihood of being hurt again is high, very high, I just wish I didn’t care, or at least that I could recover quickly from this hurt. I don’t know why I am like this, I know happiness isn't within the validation of others so why am I searching for it everywhere but myself.I feel lonely, and out of sorts, I am not really sure what to do with myself anymore. But I guess I just have to hope I will be ok? I get pangs of fear, fear that tells me it will never get better and I will spend an eternity like this.There will be a lesson in this some day, maybe one I am still too stubborn to learn? maybe its that anything that leaves isn’t supposed to be mine. I am hopeful, a day will come where I don’t question my worth.Pure joy exists within you, and that fortunately means it exists within someone else too. To be loved is to be known, to been seen is to be heard, and to live is to experience, so I will just have to sit here watching the clock and counting along with every tick, hoping when the time comes I haven’t gone insane.A relationship cannot grow without reciprocity and life cannot be lived if it isn’t loved first.I gave my life to someone who wanted it more than me, she cherished it, like an old friend. She loved it like it was a child of her own, and kissed it like the sun on a cloudy day.
Final Thoughts...
This isn’t a villain origin story. It’s just me reclaiming the space I was always allowed to take up without having to bargain for it first.
If you’ve been the nice one, the kind one, the fixer, the dependable one to everyone but yourself, this is your sign to get out of the people-pleasing mindset.
You can still be kind without being complacent about mistreatment.
You can still have a warm heart and protect it fiercely.
You can love yourself, and still want change.
You don’t need to wait for burnout. You don’t need a big, dramatic fallout or grand exit. Just stop showing up where you’re not respected.
Thanks for reading, lots of love.
Liz xx
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